Si nu ma refer la vreo tampenie deci sa va iasa din cap . Titlul se refera doar la activitatea mea pe blog . Promit ca astazi o sa fiu cuminte si ca nu o sa ma mai iau de nimeni . Nu o sa ma mai iau de incompetentii astia care isi impart deja ministerele.
Nuuuu ... Doamne fereste ... Promit ca nu o sa ma iau de ei . O sa ma iau de idiotii aia care au facut mitinguri si proteste si stau pe la ministere , pe la guvern si tipa ca nu au ce manca ... Pai merita ! Daca plangi , plangi . Daca vrei sa faci ceva , fa ceva . Nu stiu de ce dar se pare ca romanul incet incet isi uita vechiile obiceiuri si nu ne mai trezim ca vin minerii . De luni bune ii astept . Poate ca si ei saracii s-au plictisit sa ne tot scoata din cacat . De la revolutie am amortit . Tocmai de asta eu propun ca de acum incolo in loc de alegeri noi sa avem o revolutie . Marfa nu ???
Daca presedintele a fost OK il mai lasam un mandat daca nu ... ?? Hai bine nu il omoram , am trecut de stadiul ala , suntem si noi putin mai civilizati , il castram , cu o ata sau o hartie . Da uite ca iar ma intreb ma , minerii de ce nu au venit ?? Ah da stai ... cica atunci cand voua prostii de rand v-au taiat salariile minerilor le-au crescut salariile (cica nu sunt sigur asa am auzit , daca nu impuscati-ma ce imi pasa , un cretin plus sau minus ce conteaza dar va aduc aminte , mai e unu si ala ne conduce ). Si ca tot vorbeam de cretini ma care sunt aia care vor sa puna taxe pe botez si pe nunta ??? Pe astia as vrea sa ii cunosc vreo jumate de ora pe fiecare in parte !!!
Sfios imi cer scuze pentru deranj Mihai Haita . Ne vedem la urmatoare revolutie , mineriada etc. . Eu o sa fiu ala care plange de fericire .
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
banc
Intrebare la Radio Erevan :
Domnilor eu am diabet iar sotia mea are o scurgere albicioasa , putem face copii ??
Raspuns :
Da , dar ar fi pacat , mai bine faceti bezele !
Este prea tare bancul si credeam ca era nevoie si de putin amuzament ...
Sfios imi cer scuze pentru deranj Mihai Haita .
Domnilor eu am diabet iar sotia mea are o scurgere albicioasa , putem face copii ??
Raspuns :
Da , dar ar fi pacat , mai bine faceti bezele !
Este prea tare bancul si credeam ca era nevoie si de putin amuzament ...
Sfios imi cer scuze pentru deranj Mihai Haita .
Monday, October 18, 2010
Poesie , de mine .
Afara ploua linistit
Si in casa arde canapeaua ,
Afara-i frig in casa ger ,
Nu folosim caldura ,
Pe Base-l visez spanzurat ,
Pe Boc taiat cu lama
Nu plange o sa fie bine ,
Asa imi zice mama .
Sau ceva de genu ... Ma rog.Mint ce-i drept caldura am dar cine ii da drumul.
Voit sau nu am inceput sa fac tot felul de calcule pe care in mod normal nu trebuia sa le fac.Bine asta intr-o tara normala.Noi traim in romania si asta nu ne ocupa tot timpul ci il transforma intr-un calvar.Deci kilowati,gigacalorii,o paine,un pahar de apa de la chiuveta(am apometru si conteza si un pahar cu apa),medicamente pentru bunica(asta in situatia in care esti unul din aia fericiti si ai doar o bunica ...) si gata am ramas pe 0.Era doar un calcul,in cazul in care ai mei patesc ceva si eu sunt nevoit sa preiau responsabilitatiile familiei.Nu as vrea asta prea multa munca.
Mai bine ma fac deputat sau senator si o frec toata ziua ma pefac si va spun toata ziua ca imi pasa de voi si de binele tarii,ca vreau sa traim mai bine.
E noapte patul e facut
Dar cine sa se culce ?
Cand Boc ne spune de salarii
Iar eu il vad pe o cruce .
Pai cine sa mai doarma domne'??? Suntem condusi de niste cretini,idioti notorii si curve.Imi e frig,imi e foame,sunt nervos,satul de atata bataie de joc... A venit momentul in care noi romanul sa facem ceea ce nu am avut inspiratie sa facem in decembrie 2009 sa il schimbam pe Base si haita lui de inculti,hoti fara scrupule si curve.
Scarbit imi cer scuze pentru deranj Mihai Haita
Si in casa arde canapeaua ,
Afara-i frig in casa ger ,
Nu folosim caldura ,
Pe Base-l visez spanzurat ,
Pe Boc taiat cu lama
Nu plange o sa fie bine ,
Asa imi zice mama .
Sau ceva de genu ... Ma rog.Mint ce-i drept caldura am dar cine ii da drumul.
Voit sau nu am inceput sa fac tot felul de calcule pe care in mod normal nu trebuia sa le fac.Bine asta intr-o tara normala.Noi traim in romania si asta nu ne ocupa tot timpul ci il transforma intr-un calvar.Deci kilowati,gigacalorii,o paine,un pahar de apa de la chiuveta(am apometru si conteza si un pahar cu apa),medicamente pentru bunica(asta in situatia in care esti unul din aia fericiti si ai doar o bunica ...) si gata am ramas pe 0.Era doar un calcul,in cazul in care ai mei patesc ceva si eu sunt nevoit sa preiau responsabilitatiile familiei.Nu as vrea asta prea multa munca.
Mai bine ma fac deputat sau senator si o frec toata ziua ma pefac si va spun toata ziua ca imi pasa de voi si de binele tarii,ca vreau sa traim mai bine.
E noapte patul e facut
Dar cine sa se culce ?
Cand Boc ne spune de salarii
Iar eu il vad pe o cruce .
Pai cine sa mai doarma domne'??? Suntem condusi de niste cretini,idioti notorii si curve.Imi e frig,imi e foame,sunt nervos,satul de atata bataie de joc... A venit momentul in care noi romanul sa facem ceea ce nu am avut inspiratie sa facem in decembrie 2009 sa il schimbam pe Base si haita lui de inculti,hoti fara scrupule si curve.
Scarbit imi cer scuze pentru deranj Mihai Haita
Monday, June 21, 2010
Reactii adverse !
Porcu face muuu,rata ham ham,gainile fac bile cu mucu,mama cornulte cu carbit iar eu imi clocesc ouale ... Pe scurt reactii adverse.Poate de la criza sau de la caldura.Vaca face guit guit (guitz adica nu am diacritice ...).Cred ca de la criza.Pfff pana si animalele sunt crizate.Adica nah doar au marit taxele si impozitele,maine aia mici raman fara alocatie si corn cu lapte sau cine stie poate raman cu ele dar o sa li se puna impozit pe ele.Iepurele face cotcodac cotcodac ...
Boc e vita.Hamsterul isi da cu tesla in ce o avea el ca nu sunt biolog.Base e vita.
Sunt momente in care sincer imi e dor de AH1N1 aia da criza.Macar era distractiva.Ciudat totusi mi se pare ca atunci lumea era mult mai panicata si mult mai dornica sa faca ceva.Ciudat nu cum o pandemie globala poate sa ne uneasca si sa ne faca sa luptam impotriva ei dar niste marmote care au o anumita varsta si nu sunt in stare sa isi mai inveleasca ciocolata in staniol,nici macar SINGURI,pot scapa cu asa ceva.Sau poate avem nevoie de vreo inca 30,40,50 de ani de comunism sa facem ceva.Eu sincer astept cu nerabdare inca o era comunista la noi in tara.Ca si asa din aia de dinaninte eu nu am inteles nimic eram prea mic.As vrea sa iau masuri dar tare imi e frica sa nu o aiba mai mare gorilele lor si apoi sa ma doara fundu'.Ca nah daca te duci singur la o petrecere de homosexuali exista riscu sa ajungi acasa si sa te rogi sa mai ai ceva care sa iti mai ia din durere si cateva sticle de tarie sa poti sa adormi.Da ma rog,daca esti suficient de retardat sa faci asta si sa nici nu le zici sa se dea dupa tine ca ii omori ... iti cam meriti soarta.Acum nici nu stiu de cine vorbeam de homosexualii aia care ne conduc sau de aia care chiar sunt homosexuali.Desi same shit different attitude.Si pentru aia care nu stiu engleza:aceeasi gaozari doar ca unii vor sa futa 1,2,3 barbati si ceilalti tot poporul.Care sunt aia rai va las pe voi sa alegeti.Eu as merge pe homosexualii aia ce ne conduc dar ma rog poate asa sunt eu.Porcu face muuu,rata ham ham,gainile fac bile cu mucu,mama cornulte cu carbit,vaca face guit guit,iar eu imi clocesc ouale ... Crizat imi cer scuze pentru deranj Mihai Haita
Boc e vita.Hamsterul isi da cu tesla in ce o avea el ca nu sunt biolog.Base e vita.
Sunt momente in care sincer imi e dor de AH1N1 aia da criza.Macar era distractiva.Ciudat totusi mi se pare ca atunci lumea era mult mai panicata si mult mai dornica sa faca ceva.Ciudat nu cum o pandemie globala poate sa ne uneasca si sa ne faca sa luptam impotriva ei dar niste marmote care au o anumita varsta si nu sunt in stare sa isi mai inveleasca ciocolata in staniol,nici macar SINGURI,pot scapa cu asa ceva.Sau poate avem nevoie de vreo inca 30,40,50 de ani de comunism sa facem ceva.Eu sincer astept cu nerabdare inca o era comunista la noi in tara.Ca si asa din aia de dinaninte eu nu am inteles nimic eram prea mic.As vrea sa iau masuri dar tare imi e frica sa nu o aiba mai mare gorilele lor si apoi sa ma doara fundu'.Ca nah daca te duci singur la o petrecere de homosexuali exista riscu sa ajungi acasa si sa te rogi sa mai ai ceva care sa iti mai ia din durere si cateva sticle de tarie sa poti sa adormi.Da ma rog,daca esti suficient de retardat sa faci asta si sa nici nu le zici sa se dea dupa tine ca ii omori ... iti cam meriti soarta.Acum nici nu stiu de cine vorbeam de homosexualii aia care ne conduc sau de aia care chiar sunt homosexuali.Desi same shit different attitude.Si pentru aia care nu stiu engleza:aceeasi gaozari doar ca unii vor sa futa 1,2,3 barbati si ceilalti tot poporul.Care sunt aia rai va las pe voi sa alegeti.Eu as merge pe homosexualii aia ce ne conduc dar ma rog poate asa sunt eu.Porcu face muuu,rata ham ham,gainile fac bile cu mucu,mama cornulte cu carbit,vaca face guit guit,iar eu imi clocesc ouale ... Crizat imi cer scuze pentru deranj Mihai Haita
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
1-0 pentru mine .
Dragi prieteni si tovarasi , mai pe scurt bai astia !!! Ma duce capul mai mult decat pe voi , ma rog pana la buda , bucatarie si inapoi , da e ceva !!! Asa reusesc sa ma spal sa fac pipi,caca , sa mananc si inca vreo 2,3 lucruri pe care chiar nu vreau sa le dezvolt , nu pentru ca sunt vulgare ci pur si simplu pentru ca nu cred ca va intereseaza la ce filme porno ma uit eu . Deci cred ca poate nu ma duce capul mai mult ca pe voi dar macar eu nu sunt suficient de idiot incat sa nu ma prind ca vine iarna si o sa murim pe capete , din simplul motiv ca vad cum nimeni nu are atitudinea necesara sa ii traga putin de guler pe astia de la putere . Sau macar sa le inlocuiasca acea cravata pe care majoritatea o poarta zilnic cu o funie ce are nodul foarte bine strans . Eu as face ceva dar nu vreau , pentru ca nu vreau . Stiu , stiu sunt ipocrit strig : "Baaaaaaa rasculati-va !!!". Dar nu sunt jur !!! Eu vreau sa vad toata rascoala de la tv ! Moment istoric !!! Prima revolutie televizata !!! Deja imi fac provizii de floricele,suc si dulciuri . Va dati seama ce misto o sa fie ??? Reclame care o sa sponsorizeze evenimentul ... reluari la fazele interesante , pariuri . Baietii de la mine de la scara cred ca o sa fie toata ziua la casele de pariuri sa puna si ei un 1 x 2 pe Base si ai lui . Uuuuu sau : nu ratati marti de la ora 20:00 pe Prea Prost tv trecerea de baricada facuta la camera deputatiilor cu dinamita , urmat la ora 20:30 de executii si torturi in masa cu pistolul de cuie !!! Eveniment sponsorizat de cnslr fratia ! Cacat eu unu abia astept !
Ah da si facem si un vot televizat in care alegem metode de tortura si executie prin sms sau sunand la unul din numerele de pe ecran !
Ce tare pentru evenimentul asta promit ca imi iau tv 3D sa vad sangele mai bine si matele si tooooottttt !!! Offf pacat ca sunt schizofrenic sau psihopat , nu stiu nenea ala in halat alb mi-a zis el dar am uitat . 2,3 si acum ma trezesc . Imi dau seama ca am aberat aiurea , imi dau seama ca am scris numai tampenii , ca nimeni nu ma ia in serios , ca nimeni nu isi da seama ca poate eram doar ironic si ca am un limbaj juvenil dintr-un motiv anume. E momentul sa schimbam ceva , fie ca ne schimbam doar ciorapii , ceva trebuie facut. Vine iarna o sa creasca numarul pensionarilor care mor de foame/frig , pustanii de boli venerice dar asta din cu totul si cu totul alte motive , aia mici mor de frig,de foame pentru ca ai lor din salariul minim pe economie sau cu taxe si impozite inumane nu isi mai permit sa le ofere minimul necesar. E timpul sa ne trezim . Nu suntem cu cutitul la os ci e foarte bine infipt in gat.
Sfios imi cer scuze pentru deranj Mihai Haita .
P.S. Romania e a noastra a tuturor nu doar a lor .
Ah da si facem si un vot televizat in care alegem metode de tortura si executie prin sms sau sunand la unul din numerele de pe ecran !
Ce tare pentru evenimentul asta promit ca imi iau tv 3D sa vad sangele mai bine si matele si tooooottttt !!! Offf pacat ca sunt schizofrenic sau psihopat , nu stiu nenea ala in halat alb mi-a zis el dar am uitat . 2,3 si acum ma trezesc . Imi dau seama ca am aberat aiurea , imi dau seama ca am scris numai tampenii , ca nimeni nu ma ia in serios , ca nimeni nu isi da seama ca poate eram doar ironic si ca am un limbaj juvenil dintr-un motiv anume. E momentul sa schimbam ceva , fie ca ne schimbam doar ciorapii , ceva trebuie facut. Vine iarna o sa creasca numarul pensionarilor care mor de foame/frig , pustanii de boli venerice dar asta din cu totul si cu totul alte motive , aia mici mor de frig,de foame pentru ca ai lor din salariul minim pe economie sau cu taxe si impozite inumane nu isi mai permit sa le ofere minimul necesar. E timpul sa ne trezim . Nu suntem cu cutitul la os ci e foarte bine infipt in gat.
Sfios imi cer scuze pentru deranj Mihai Haita .
P.S. Romania e a noastra a tuturor nu doar a lor .
Friday, May 7, 2010
He said it better ...
101 de citate din George Carlin cele mai mari replici ale celui mai mare comic :
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
What year did Jesus think it was?
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
“No comment” is a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Hooray for most things!
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Life is a zero sum game.
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
He said it better ...
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
What year did Jesus think it was?
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
“No comment” is a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Hooray for most things!
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Life is a zero sum game.
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
He said it better ...
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